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Archived entry | Matt Wilcox .net

got my rage on

First off let me inform you that the following rants are not entirely serious. smiley icon: wink Bear that in mind before you judge me to be on a pessimistic whinging bender. Let me also forewarn you that the language may get a little fruity. As one of the Grumpy Old Men said ’swearing is proper English, sometimes it’s exactly what is required, it’s eloquent, concise and meaningful. Improper english is not swearing, improper English is the perpetual use of that “yoof speak” b******s’. You have been warned

First off there’s a thread over at EK that has us all raging a bit. It’s about TV adverts, and how bad most are. Enayla (Linda Bergkvist) kicked it off with her reporting her hatred for a sweedish advert for Reisen (the chocolate chew) that’s aimed at guys and is repeated all day. Apparently the literal translation of their tag line is ‘I open the wrapping on this exquisite, rectangular cube of chocolate’. As Enayla said ‘A cube! A rectangular cube! DUDE! Are men supposedly so stupid that the only way you can make them like chocolate is by making it sound as if chocolate is tough? And is TOUGH equal to a … rectangular… cube??! Can a cube even be rectangular?? Isn’t a cube just a CUBE, like… cubic??’. Naturally i had to pitch in and i discovered something. I hate most adverts. Personally any daytime finance or compensation advert drives me insane. Taglines like ‘are you financially fit?’, ‘would you like to pay just one monthly household bill?’ or ‘Mr Bob was ****ing around at work with a nail gun one day…he got half a million in compensation’ - they drive me insane. I have to switch that channel or i will simply be thrown into a rage and have to break things. Like advertising agents. In half. With a nail gun. smiley icon: angry Then every once in a while you get really funny or arty adverts that make you think maybe, just maybe, someone in the advertising sector isn’t trying to kill you via high-blood-preassure.
oh oh oh! how could i forget!? Those bloody American beauty adverts. The horribly over exposed shots, the incredibly bad dubbing, the utter cheesy b******s that the models utter ‘whatever you exfoliate with, let Cack Creme naturally re-herbalise your face, with the benefits of natural asbestos to scrub away the dirt. The tetra-hydronation system moisturises your skin restoring your natural floaty bimbo-ness when your tiny brain is most receptive. You’re worth it *cocky cheesy grin toward camera*’ Shut the hell up you stupid stupid advert!!! ‘im 49. surprised?’ no you ****, you look 49! Not only that, you’re bathed in light from every angle and you’re shot in soft focus. In reality you look 79 you stupid stupid person! ARGGHHH!!!!!

While there’s something of a rant theme to this entry, let me also pour my scorn upon British Telecom (not a first for matthewwilcox.com)
Why are BT so lame?! Why does it take ten days to send a monkey in an engineer suit to my local telephone exchange in order to flip a switch and thus make my phone line ADSL enabled? Does it require quite so much planning as ten days? I tell you, if my broadband isn’t active by monday it’s entirely possible i may go a bit SAS, break my way into the exchange and flip it on myself. Dressed in a giant tutu. Just to confuse them.

Don’t even get me started on the topic of women and relationships at the moment either. There is not enough disbelief in the world to cover my reactions to recent events on that front. Were women not so damned attractive and snuggly i would have to claim that a significant portion of them are almost intolerable in their utter -wierdness-. I love them for it really, but sometimes they do something so contrary you have to ask yourself whether even -they- know how a woman’s mind works. On the flip side i fully believe that they think exactly the same of the majority of men. And i’d agree with them too, i think people in general tend to be -weird-. Like, self destructive and clueless -weird-

On the plus side of things i’m actually getting places with my uni project. On the pessimistic side of things, sitting in the loft all day makes my bum ache. You gotta have balance. Good with the bad and all that. smiley icon: wink

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